In my previous post, I mentioned how Friday was the ultimate pit of despair. In my head, even as illogical as it all seems based COMPLETELY ON MY OWN RECORDED PROGRESS, I was terrified of the Ultrasound. I had built it up to this "all or nothing" type appointment where -- what if it proved all my labs were lies, what if things weren't as good as it seemed" etc., etc..
I keep referring to myself as the little "green" emoji that looks seasick - but not quite vomiting. Yeah, that's me. I haven't actually thrown up yet, but I've had a few days were I feel like I should look completely green.
Friday was one of those days.
I left work at lunch time.. yeah it was a little early, our appointment was for 2:45pm. It was just easier for me to make the clean cut at half day, so I did. I went home and actually laid down for a 30minute nap - exhausted, due to incredible amounts of emotional strain.
We made it to our appointment, the Fertility Office was POPPIN. I've never seen such a line, literally standing rom only for about 20 minutes.
Fast forward to us in the room, I'm changed, waiting on the doc. I probably said no less than 30 internal prayers while we were waiting.
The doctor comes in and before he ever starts, gives us a long shpeel about how I am 6 weeks on-the-dot and that's generally too early to see anything besides a yolk sac and pole. My doctor is out of town at a convention next week, so they penciled me in a few days early so HE could be the one to do my first ultrasound.
Otherwise, he clarifies that heartbeat usually happens 6w+3d or so (6 weeks & 3 days). And we begin.
Not only do we see a heartbeat... the doctor zooms in incredulously and sure enough, we get to hear it. Baby is measuring a day early at 6w+1d (not sure how, since this was literally transferred as a 5 day embryo). My doc was blown away.. saying that its generally 110BMP at 7 week and my little 6 Week guy was at 107BPM, so.. completely on target. Oh and he's 3.19mm.
My baby is real and my baby is STRONG.
This appointment seems to have been the biggest game changer. For the first time, I feel its finally acceptable for me to safely "accept" that I'm pregnant. For the first time, I don't feel like I'm "threatening Karma" for simply getting a diaper changing mat to go on top of the dresser we already had. because HEAVEN FORBID I LOOK IN THAT ROOM AND I SEE SOMETHING THAT RESEMBLES A NURSERY!! Karma will surely SMITE me. I finally feel like I can indulge in buying cute things here-and-there, or even a larger purchase if I see a great sale.
I had been metaphorically beating the tar out of myself for caving into the dumbest things (like getting a 2 pack of highly rated pacifiers)........ and it was so sadly draining.